We received a letter, a most obnoxious letter, from the McCain campaign (rhymes) asking for donations. It was a sickening missive, with a “liberal” this and a “small government” that splattered across the paragraphs like bird poop on a car’s windshield. (I’m tired.) It was asking for money (duh) because “national liberal Democratic groups…are plotting to spend and do whatever it takes to bring [his] campaign down.”
Well, I didn’t have money to send Mr. McCain in his postage-paid envelope. What I did have was a letter. So I stuck it in the Business Reply Mail, and I sent it. Yes, I’m sure just some flunky is going to read it, but it still gave me a small measure of satisfaction. Here it is in all its glory:
Dear Senator McCain,
Thank you so much for your letter. I was running out of toilet paper, so it came in handy. What with the price of gas, health care, food, and housing, I really can’t afford luxuries such as Quilted Northern.
But hey, John (Can I call you John? Heck, why not? You addressed me “Dear Friend”), you want to cut my taxes! Hallelujah! That’ll solve everything. I wasn’t 100% sure how I was going to afford health insurance (Did I mention I pay $475/month for myself? No company will give me an individual plan, so I’m on COBRA), but the measly tax break I’ll get will surely do the trick. I’m not sure how we’ll pay for the Iraq War or nothin’, but I’m sure you’ve got a plan rattling around somewhere in that big ol’ melon of yours.
Speaking of the war! Hey Johnny (I feel even closer to you now), you say in your letter that:
“The Party of Senators Clinton and Obama will surrender to Al Qaida in Iraq and withdraw our armed forces based on an arbitrary timetable. I intend to win the war.”
Er, Johnny boy, how exactly are you going to measure success? Because nowhere have I actually heard any measurement from any Republican that sounds quantifiable. I’m guessing you’re just talking “patriot talk,” which usually originates somewhere deep in the bowels of politicians. Win the war? Americans don’t want the war. We want our people home from this horrible mistake (and I’m using mistake generously here because this was definitely an “on purpose”).
Why do you want to continue the mistake, John? It’s costing us billions that could go to improving the many woes of Americans. But that money isn’t a waste, not according to you, sir. No, it’s the “entitlement programs that are bankrupting us.” It couldn’t possibly be the war (for which we had to borrow money from other countries, sending the dollar into the crapper)… ah, that incredibly winnable, necessary war. I know you’re old John, so I’ll just tell you that the last sentence was sarcastic. So, instead of spending money helping Americans in need, you’d rather spend it killing our soldiers. That’s exactly the opposite of what I want in a leader.
In conclusion, I’d love to send you money, John, really I would. After all you are in the “most important fight of [your] life.” Unfortunately, I’m also fighting… to pay my bills, to fill my gas tank, to pay for doctors. But hey, buddy, friend, do you think you could send me money? I don’t have a self-addressed, stamped envelope, but you can take the postage out of your donation. You can send $35, $50, $75, or even… any amount! Heck, I’m not subject to any limits like you are! Guess I’m just lucky, John. Guess I’m just lucky.
Do you like it?