As a tax-paying citizen of this great city of Los Ang-a-leez, I am writing you today in a state of abject fear. I can no longer drive the streets at night without my very existence flashing before my eyes. Instead, I am forced to stay at home, a shut-in, afraid to enjoy the city I had once wandered so carefreely. Won’t you please save your fellow Los Ang-a-leezians from the scourge of drunken celebrities who recklessly, joyously, terrorize us all with their hot rod machines of death? Please! Think of the children, and rescue us!