Flying With Douches

Today, I flew home from my visiting my family (Dad’s 50th!), and the flight was delayed. Big yay. As I sat in my aisle seat waiting for the toilet to be fixed, I began drifting off. My method of sleeping on planes is to fall completely forward onto the tray table and pass out. Valium helps a lot.

All of a sudden, I was jarred awake by some red-haired older woman stepping ever-so-deliciously onto my foot. I bolted upright. “Ouch,” I said, irritably, as ol’ Red Hair didn’t seem to be bothered by her clumsiness. She “apologized,” and made her way past me to retrieve something from the overhead bin.

Just then, a man carrying two large buckets of treated water made his way down the aisle. So Red Hair backed into me, placing her delicately sagging buttocks approximately 1 inch from my face. She then rummaged around in the bin again as she was admonished by the crew to take her seat.

“I’m just getting my jacket,” she said with a simpering smile. She then turned to me. “I’m going to stand on your seat to get this. I hope you don’t mind.” WHAP! Her jacket hit me in the face as she climbed onto my seat to get her headphones. She climbed down, and I stepped into the aisle to let her pass.

Now, did my face show my annoyance? Heck yeah. I had old-lady crotch and butt in my face. I was physically abused by the woman. And she woke me up from a Valium stupor. I really wasn’t in the mood to disguise my bad humor with a bland grin.

“You don’t have to be annoyed that I had to get up one time,” Red Hair suddenly blurted out as she took her seat.

“Lady,” I replied, with the world-weariness of a long-range trucker, “I didn’t say a word to you.”

“You had a look on your face,” she had the audacity to say in return.

I drew a breath. “I’m tired. I just took medication. I’m tired. So just calm down, ya weirdo.”

She didn’t reply but settled in to read out loud to herself and hum. For five hours.

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One thought on “Flying With Douches

  1. Marc says:

    This is why i prefer the window seat. Ya don’t get beat up during the flight. Love the food cart jacking you in the elbow at 20k feet.

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