American Idol: First 12

WHAT was that? I haven’t heard singing that bad since Nikki McKibben “graced” us with Ben. The assessment… after the break. What, no break? Wrong tape? Oh, just go with it? What, we got the tape? Let’s roll it!

Jackie Tohn: I sat watching, my mouth agape. What the crap was that? She made Jon Peter Lewis look like Bo Bice. Have I used that joke before? Whatever, she looked like Flashdance gone horribly wrong and sang like Elliot Yamin’s butt. Horrible. Just horrible.

Ricky Braddy: He’s got a good voice, objectively. But it’s not music to my ears. Next!

Alexis Grace: Best girl of the night. (Dubious honors.)

Brent Keith: The man with two first names. Who’s next, Bill Jim? Stupid. Anyway, he was already on a show called Nashville Star and didn’t win. He’s a good karaoke singer and utterly forgettable.

Stevie Wrightt: More like Stevie WRONG. AHAHAHAHA!

Anoop Desai: Anoop, Anoop, Anoop is on FIRE! Actually, he wasn’t. The song he chose (I Like Angels or some shizz) wa zzzzzzz… Sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about that so zzzzzzz…

Casey Carlson: My favorite performance by far. It’s the only one I watched twice. It’s because she sings like Kitty Von Powers. ROCK ON CASEY (wink and point!)!

Michael Sarver: I like the dude, but I’m really just so meh about the performance I don’t even care to write much about it.

Ann Marie Boskovich: You make me feel like… changing the channel.

Stephen Fowler: My cable went in and out during this performance. I can only imagine that Time Warner was trying to save me.

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE KEEP HER ON! “America, please vote. This is my dream, and it’s up to you to keep it alive. Thank you so much. Gracias.” How can you not love that? (And since when does she have a Spanish accent?)

Danny Gokey: Probably my favorite of the night. Simon is very sly by reserving praise because they want to keep this sympathy story… I mean contestant… on. That said, I do like his raspy voice.