Birth Plan… Oh, Come ON!

I was researching birth plans online.  They’re normally plans that indicate whether you want pain medication, fetal monitoring, etc.  But I came across one that was a bit, er, different.  Here are some choice quotes:

When I give birth, I want to be naked. I want my body to choose the colour of its growing.

I’m a little scared to discover what this means. The colour of its growing?

I want to feel the baby moving, his hard head pushing through layers of me… I want to feel birth. I want to know fire.


I prefer to stretch slowly, burning in a rim of panting breaths, around my baby’s head.

Wha- wha- WHAT?!

I don’t want to control my body. I want to surrender. Let the darkness soak through me, drip down my legs. Let the pulse of that unborn voice throb through me.
I don’t want a needle stuck in my hand. If my labor slows, I’ll lie in the sun on a fur quilt and let my husband caress MY nipples.

Is it just me, or is this person getting her jollies?

I want to listen to the moans rising in my throat. I want to hear the child singing in my womb.

The child is definitely not singing, and your moaning is gross.

I prefer to give birth in simple words. Breathe. Push. Touch. Pain. Wet. Stretch. Bum. Birth. Yes.

Which one of these words doesn’t fit? Yeah, that’s right. Bum. BUM? A butt baby?

The smell and feel of a slippery newborn baby wriggling against my naked skin.

Someone call CPS.


2 thoughts on “Birth Plan… Oh, Come ON!

  1. Nicole (sister) says:

    WTF… I don’t even know how to respond beyond what you said… dude, gross.

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