When you got big-time connections in the movie biz, you see a lot of films. Yeah, I gotta friend who works for Arclight, jealous? Last year, I saw 31 of 2012’s movies, and here’s how I rank them. Boom.
31. Damsels in Distress
The movie equivalent of that guy who walks around in public with a parrot on his shoulder.
Utterly pointless. Why did we pay extra to rent it while it was still in theaters?
29. Rock of Ages
Before the Baldwin/Brand love song, I merely hated the movie.
28. Project X
27. Craigslist Joe
26. The Grey
The movie’s title is spot on.
25. The Paperboy
Where does one begin? Awful, gross, confusing, wasteful… take your pick of adjectives.
24. The Woman in Black
A promising start, a boring middle, a disappointing end.
23. The Dictator
A few laughs, but a pale shell of Borat and Bruno.
Enjoyable voice acting, slightly slow, strangely adult.
21. The Possession
“Please don’t touch my box, Dad!” Really, with that kind of dialogue, The Possession should be #1 on my list.
20. Jeff Who Lives at Home
A somewhat bland movie with good acting. Next.
If you find a creepy old box sitting in the middle of an empty attic, don’t open it. You know, Bughuul and stuff.
18. Dark Shadows
I might be the only person in the world who liked this movie. I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.
A cute movie, but not a hilarious one. I fear people will quote it for years to come.
16. The Avengers
Is Scarlett Johansson’s superpower her boobies?
15. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
If you feel like bawling, have I got the movie for you!
A silly comedic sleeper that surprised me with its satirical slapstick. Alliteration!
13. Safety Not Guaranteed
The movie’s ending was the make-it or break-it of the film. Luckily, it landed on the right side.
12. 21 Jump Street
Risible at the beginning, dragged at the end.
11. The Campaign
Dirtier than I thought it would be, which is a good thing.
Twisty and turny as a churro.
09. Seven Psychopaths
08. Magic Mike
I don’t even know if this was an objectively good movie. I just know that CHANNING TATUM.
07. Moonrise Kingdom
One of my least favorite Wes Anderson movies, which still means pretty darn good.
06. The Loved Ones
Strap yourselves in because, brother, this is one heckuva disturbing ride.
No expectations, and they were met. Great movie for a Dateline/48 Hours Mystery nerd.
04. Cabin in the Woods
This movie hit on all levels: cast, scares, and laughs.
03. God Bless America
Preachy, but it didn’t matter. Just so, so good.
02. Hunger Games
True to the book, great acting, edge-of-your-seat action. Two mockingjays up!
01. The Dark Knight Rises
Christopher Nolan, you magnificent animal. Thank you for giving me a voice to annoy others well into 2013!
Movies still to watch: Les Miserables, Silver Linings Playbook, and Pitch Perfect.