Movies of 2012

When you got big-time connections in the movie biz, you see a lot of films. Yeah, I gotta friend who works for Arclight, jealous? Last year, I saw 31 of 2012’s movies, and here’s how I rank them.  Boom.

31. Damsels in Distress

The movie equivalent of that guy who walks around in public with a parrot on his shoulder.

30. V/H/S

Utterly pointless.  Why did we pay extra to rent it while it was still in theaters?

29. Rock of Ages

Before the Baldwin/Brand love song, I merely hated the movie.

28. Project X

Barely memorable.

27. Craigslist Joe


26. The Grey

The movie’s title is spot on.

25. The Paperboy

Where does one begin?  Awful, gross, confusing, wasteful… take your pick of adjectives.

24. The Woman in Black

A promising start, a boring middle, a disappointing end.

23. The Dictator

A few laughs, but a pale shell of Borat and Bruno.

22.  Paranorman

Enjoyable voice acting, slightly slow, strangely adult.

21. The Possession

“Please don’t touch my box, Dad!”  Really, with that kind of dialogue, The Possession should be #1 on my list.

20. Jeff Who Lives at Home

A somewhat bland movie with good acting.  Next.

19.  Sinister

If you find a creepy old box sitting in the middle of an empty attic, don’t open it.  You know, Bughuul and stuff.

18.  Dark Shadows

I might be the only person in the world who liked this movie.  I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.

17.  Ted

A cute movie, but not a hilarious one.  I fear people will quote it for years to come.

16.  The Avengers

Is Scarlett Johansson’s superpower her boobies?

15.  Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

If you feel like bawling, have I got the movie for you!

14.  Wanderlust

A silly comedic sleeper that surprised me with its satirical slapstick.  Alliteration!

13.  Safety Not Guaranteed

The movie’s ending was the make-it or break-it of the film.  Luckily, it landed on the right side.

12.  21 Jump Street

Risible at the beginning, dragged at the end.

11.  The Campaign

Dirtier than I thought it would be, which is a good thing.

10.  Looper

Twisty and turny as a churro.

09.  Seven Psychopaths

Sam Rockwell.

08.  Magic Mike

I don’t even know if this was an objectively good movie.  I just know that CHANNING TATUM.

07.  Moonrise Kingdom

One of my least favorite Wes Anderson movies, which still means pretty darn good.

06.  The Loved Ones

Strap yourselves in because, brother, this is one heckuva disturbing ride.

05. Bernie

No expectations, and they were met.  Great movie for a Dateline/48 Hours Mystery nerd.

04.  Cabin in the Woods

This movie hit on all levels: cast, scares, and laughs.

03.  God Bless America

Preachy, but it didn’t matter.  Just so, so good.

02.  Hunger Games

True to the book, great acting, edge-of-your-seat action.  Two mockingjays up!

01.  The Dark Knight Rises

Christopher Nolan, you magnificent animal.  Thank you for giving me a voice to annoy others well into 2013!

Movies still to watch: Les Miserables, Silver Linings Playbook, and Pitch Perfect.