The Canyons, The Crapyons

What I learned from watching the new erotic thriller The Canyons:

1. Nudity does not equal erotic.  Especially when said nudity keeps inciting “Ew” from the viewer.

2. You can still call something a “thriller” even if it provides absolutely no thrills.  Unless you count the thrill of finally turning it off.

3. Lindsay Lohan campaigned to be in this piece of crap? The DTs can really mess up a chick’s judgment. (Allegedly!)

Written by Bret “Speeding Downhill” Easton Ellis and starring adult movie “actor” James Deen, The Canyons is an utterly amateurish work.  With the exception of the notoriously cast Lohan, the acting is on par with a pornographic film.  Its cinematography is as careless as a porno’s (scenes blown out by the sun; terrible framing). The writing would have been right at home on Skinemax’s Red Shoe Diaries. It makes one wonder: why didn’t they just bite the bullet and shoot a porno?  At least an adult film wouldn’t take itself so deadly seriously.  And I’m sure it would have been a more entertaining watch.

And that’s the real problem.  The film was too humorless to be campy.  Too poorly written to be good.  Too boring to be thrilling.  Too gross to be sexy.  Too confused to be interesting.  Too legit to quit.  It fulfilled none of the promises of its fun, smart teaser trailers,  suffering from an unearned, indefensible superiority complex.  It was, ultimately, absolutely pointless.