Even though I am currently working for a theater chain, I saw fewer movies in the theater than I did last year; I watched a lot of the films on Amazon, curled up with a cat and a Joe. There’s also a metric ton of movies that I am eagerly awaiting to add to my 13-seen list: American Hustle, Her, Dallas Buyers Club, Blue Jasmine, The Conjuring, and Blue Is the Warmest Color, to name a few. So, my list below is incomplete and a little off-beat. (How sweet.) From the worst to the best, here are the 2013 movies as I rank them.
25: Movie 43
When I think of the multitude of talented sketch writers I know who are languishing in free-show purgatory, I want to reach through the screen and strangle anyone and everyone involved in making this abortion of a movie.
24. The Canyons
Where’s Toto when you need him? Will someone finally pull the curtain back so we can see Bret Easton Ellis for what he is: a pompous hack? Hackety hack hack HACK.
23. We’re the Millers
Formulaic and not funny.
22. The Place Beyond the Pines
As soon as Ryan Gosling died, I lost complete interest, and the filmmaker could not win me back. Number one movie rule is: Keep Gosling Alive. Duh.
21. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
This was bad, right? I barely remember it. Still, I sat through the whole movie, so that bests Place/Pines. Maybe the popcorn kept me in my seat.
Drained the funny and the charm out of David Sedaris’s original story, which is one of my favorites.
18. Side Effects
Just utterly ridiculous. Catherine Zeta-Jones is laughable. And the number two movie rule? Keep Channing Tatum alive. Double duh.
17. The Purge
Entertaining enough but ultimately lacked originality.
16. Kill Your Darlings
It gives me a weird feeling to see Harry Potter get butt lovin’, ya know? He should be asexual. Dane DeHaan, though… hoo boy. Mama like.
15. The Spectacular Now
I think Miles Teller was spectacular. The rest was… good.
14. Now You See Me
Harmless caper movie. Great cast.
13. The Iceman
Michael Shannon and Ray Liotta? There’s a coupla mugs for ya.
12. The Bling Ring
I liked it, but I didn’t like, like-like it.
11. Tiger Eyes
Tiger Eyes? More like red, watery eyes. If you want to cry uncontrollably through a movie, well… here you go.
10. Drinking Buddies
Jake Johnson, yes.
This movie gives me hope for the future.
08. This Is the End
I pray this movie is actually as funny as I remember it. Otherwise, boy will there be egg on my face!
07. The Great Gatsby
I usually loathe Baz Luhrmann, but I’ll make an exception this time. You’re welcome, Baz.
06. Spring Breakers
Spring Break forever. No, seriously, I mean it: forEVER. Judge me if you like, but I sort of love this movie. I might even give it a hickey later.
Ooooh, so deliciously, spine-chillingly, incestuously creepy.
04. The East
Excellent exploration of cult behavior. Even with Ellen Page in it. Ju-NO, amIright?
03. The Way, Way Back
Well written, well acted… well played, Rash and Faxon.
02. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Better than the first. Can’t wait for the next.
01. The Wolf of Wall Street
Maybe I’m biased, since this is the latest movie I’ve seen, but I loved it. LOVED IT. DiCaprio was electric, and the rest of the cast was phenomenal. I smell Oscar. Or is that bacon? Either way, yum.